GOD IS...

 Hello again my friends!!

This past year has been an absolute crazy mess. Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted here in a long while. The enemy came in like a flood this past year, to keep us down & prevent us from doing the things that God has called us to do.

BUT NO MORE!

God has delivered us from a multitude of things & only HE is to be given the glory. He has made us stronger & wiser. 

It just goes to show you that you are never too old to learn. Even at my young age of 50, God is still teaching me so much. I have learned intimacy with Him on an entire new level. He is a jealous God and wants to be first above ALL else. 

Deuteronomy 4:24 AMP - For the Lord your God is a consumer fire; He is a jealous (impassioned) God {demanding what is rightfully and uniquely His}.

I also experienced darkness like never before. I went through a period of depression & anxiety like I have never known before. Out of the midst of that darkness, God gave me so much revelation about myself, my past & some of my future. The enemy's intention was my destruction, but God turned it all around.

Genesis 50:20 NIV - you intended to harm me, but GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

In the process of all of this He gave me instructions on writing a book about my life. It is in a different format than what you may be used to seeing & God has not given me the go ahead to get it published. I do know this, He imparted great wisdom to me during those dark & lonely days. He also caused me to write down all of the "issues" that I still retained from my past. Some things I literally had no idea were even issues. Let me tell you right now, that was the best therapy around. 

God is doing some major things in our lives right now. Our only desire is to be HIS and to be used by Him however He sees fit. 

So, I ask of you to keep my husband & myself in your prayers as we move forward on the path God has laid out for us.

I will go back to posting here on a regular basis. As I have mentioned before, if you have any comments, questions or prayer requests please reach out & let me know.

Love you all!

QUESTIONS

Another story from my past

This one was during a seriously questionable time in my life. Due to the series of events up until this point, I was literally clinging to whatever attention I could get, up to a certain point. 

Some of you know this more than others, but abuse comes in several forms. 

Regardless of which direction it comes, the bottom line is the same, you do not have to stay & put up with it.  That is definitely NOT part of God's plan for you. 

What they meant for evil, God intended for my good... Genesis 50:20

Met him through a friend

He seemed so nice

He seemed so polite

A gentleman even

Had no idea what was to come

 

Only lasted 5 months

5 months of hell

I tried so hard to please

To be what he wanted

Had no idea how much he wanted

 

Thought he owned me

I was a piece of property

His for the taking

His for the abusing

Whichever he decided at the moment

 

So lonely as a teenager

Just wanted love

But at what price?

 

Abuse was known to me already

A couple times before this

But why?

What was so wrong with me?

 

Mama’s words came back to me

Reminding me to not settle

Teaching me to stand

Not be a doormat

But also, to BE CAREFUL!

 

He chose verbal abuse instead

My words were judged

My looks were judged

My actions were judged

I was stalked

He had “people” watching me

 

His ultimate goal

To land me

To add me as a knotch

A trophy to parade around

 

I was different though

Craved attention?

YES

Was willing to do anything?

NO

 

Self respect, mama taught me that

Sassiness & Stubbornness, got that from Dad

For his abuse, I gave him a bit of my Dad

Just enough to piss him off

Especially when he was not allowed to “take” from me

That part I refused

 

Time went on, hopelessness increased

So overwhelming, I couldn’t get out

 

Huge fight one night

Down to the spill way we went

To calm down I guess

No words were spoken

 

I walked alone, over to the railing

Look down thinking…

It would be so easy now

so easy to end all of this

I put one foot over

About to put another

Then I heard it

A voice scream NO!!!

I looked around

I realized it was not him

There was NO ONE around

Then for some reason I looked up

I immediately knew

I knew where it came from

My creator, my savior

He loved me enough

He stopped me in my tracks

 

We broke up after that

Heartbroken?

YES

Did I stay that way?

NO

 

He tried to steal more than just physical from me

He tried to steal my self worth

My self respect

My individuality

My Independence

 

Stubborn?

YES

Sassy?

YES

HE created me this way

HE knew that I would need it

Need it to not give in

Need it to not give up

Need it to come to a realization

I was worth more,  A LOT MORE

INNOCENCE STOLEN

As I mentioned in my last post, through quite a bit of harship over the last year, I started writing. These poems are based on real life experiences all throughout my life

This one in particular is a bit heavy. This was during a very trying time in my life.

These are not meant to be a debbie downer but an encouragement instead. Basically, regardless of how difficult life may be, there is only ONE that will never leave you. Only one you can depend on.

Too young and naive at 13

Sheltered home life

No idea this could happen to me

Innocent or did I cause this?

 

Church was my life

Only child, very few friends

Wanted to be liked & loved

Wanted to be included

 

He was the leader

He was a nice man

Or so I thought

No idea what was underneath

 

Youth outing, fun day

I was safe, right?

I am at church after all

End of the day, need a ride

 

Everyone is gone but him

He offers, She agrees it’s ok

Still safe, right?

 

On the ride home things change

He’s talking, conversation, distraction

Then his hand goes there

It stays there back and forth

 

I am confused, no idea what is going on

I know this is wrong, I try to stop him

Why me?  Why him?

Can’t understand

Did I do something wrong?

 

I tell her what happened

She is upset, but tells no one

He acts like nothing happened

I withdraw deep within

 

Time goes by, news about other girls

He is gone now

Everyone now knows I was one of them

Embarrassed, still confused

 

At prayer group one night

She makes a prayer request

For me, because of him

Now more embarrassment & more confusion

 

I’m grown now and You helped me

Helped me to forgive

Forgive him, her and myself

Helped me to let go of the anger & darkness

Healing starts

 

 

 

From time to time, I remember

Still remember the hurt he caused

The hole in my heart

Even remembering is painful

 

I was innocent

But he took that away

He stole that from me

I will never get that part of me back

 

That little girl is gone

But because of you, I am made new

You understood

You did not shame me, like others did

You did not pity me

You just loved me

Helped me to love myself again

 

Your love

No more confusion

No more embarrassment

No more anger

No more darkness

No more questions

Just my story

HEARTBREAK

Unwanted guest stops by today

Out of the blue

I should be used to this by now

Each time, the hurt just amazes me

Each tear hurts more than the last

You heard my cries

 

Unwanted guest stops by today

This one took my breath away

Can’t talk, even hurts to think

Questions, don’t understand

You felt my pain

 

Unwanted guest stops by today

Anger this time!

Only one word, WHY?

Hurt & pain are my new friends

You understand my questions

 

Unwanted guest stops by today

It’s been a while but can’t forget

Wounds turn to scars

Still hurts like it was brand new

You see me

 

Once again the tears come

I sit in silence

Hearing only my long deep sighs

I know it will return again

Cannot be avoided

Each time ends the same way

Tears dry as I feel your presence

Surrounding me with your love

No words needed here

You know my heart

I have felt yours

Because of this, I can stand

 

One day, someday soon

The hurt will be replaced with joy

The tears will be happy tears

Our prayer will be answered

 

Until then, I learn to let you hold me

 

TEMPORARY OR PERMANENT?

 

PSALM 22:3 AMPC – But You are holy, O You who dwell in [the holy place where] the praises of Israel [are offered].

PSALM 22:3 KJV – but thou are holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.

I have heard this verse all of my life, God inhabits the praises of His people. Just recently this verse came to my mind & the word “inhabit” stuck out to me. The Amplified version says dwell in. So I did a bit of research just to gain a greater understanding of this verse.

The word inhabit means – live in or occupy.

The word dwell means – to live or stay as a permanent resident; reside

Now we are taught at a young age that when we are saved, God is living inside of us. As adults we realize this means His spirit lives within us continually. Since the Trinity (Father, Son & Holy Spirit) are three in one, this means that God in the spirit dwells inside of me.

As Christians, God dwells within us, but do you take the time to invite Him into EVERY aspect of your life? God is a gentleman and will never go where He is not invited or welcomed. He will never force himself on anyone.

You may not realize it but your time of prayer and devotion is a form of worship but it is not quite the level of actual praise and worship. This can be in the form of worship songs, like you would sing in church, or taking your favorite verse of the bible and putting it to song. Or simply just expressing to God just how much He means to you.

When we take the time, outside of normal prayer and devotion time, to truly worship God, you are taking the time to acknowledge and adore Him just for who He is. That is going above and beyond the day in day out norm. Now your consistent prayer and devotional time is extremely important. The Bible calls the word His bread. We definitely need spiritual food to keep going.

For example, the individuals that you live at home with, your spouse, kids, parents, siblings etc. Do you take the time, every now and again, to let them know how much they really mean to you? If you never did that person might begin to wonder if you really loved them. Now if you are living with a roommate for a temporary amount of time, then you would not take as much stock in that relationship because that is not quite the same level. But with God, He is a permanent resident in our lives, and we must take the time to acknowledge Him and all that He has done for us and let Him know how much we love Him.

Our Heavenly Father longs to hear from your heart. He wants more than our so-called grocery list of things we want from Him. Take the time today to simply just LOVE ON HIM.

WALKING IN QUICKSAND

 

Ephesians 3:20 AMP – Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us.

I have recently had something pop up in my life that has been an enormous struggle for me. It is not the first time this issue has come up, but I have literally just felt as if I was walking in quicksand.

Through the last few weeks, I have been praying & trying my best to give it all to Him & have faith, but I don’t think I have been doing a very good job. I have just been going through the motions trying to convince myself that it would be ok & an answer was right around the corner. Well, that corner has not yet come around.

The enemy has tried his very best to keep me in a fog to the point that I could not see past the point of my own “storm”.  The enemy wants to distract me from where I should be focused right now.

JOHN 10:10 AMP – The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]

After receiving a very timely message from a friend, I felt God speak to me that all I had been doing was just trying to survive & get by. God does not want me to just get by. He has bigger & better things in store for me than I could ever imagine. Like John 10:10 says “to the full, till it overflows”.

That is quite literally God’s desire for us is to live our life in abundance until it overflows to others. That is the entire purpose here. We must be living our lives to the point that it does affect others.

JEREMIAH 29:11 AMP – For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, say the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

I also realized that I was thinking & praying way too small. God is in the little things, yes, but His desire is for us to thrive not just to get by. That is thinking way too small. We must think, pray & live much bigger. There is nothing that my God cannot handle. There is no prayer too big!!

LUKE 1:37 AMP – For with God nothing [is or ever] shall be impossible

STUBBORN FAITH

 1 THESSALONIANS 5:17-18 AMP – be unceasing and persistent in prayer in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. 

    We all go through “stuff” in our lives. Sometimes it comes in just a small inconvenient rain shower & then there are times when it is an all-out hurricane. Regardless of the type of situation you are in at the moment, be sure that you have the mindset of NOT GIVING UP. 

    We have all heard this before. You are going through a tough time & someone says “don’t give up!” But they honestly have no earthly idea what we are going through & how hard this situation really is. I mean how in the world could they say that if they really knew how bad it was, right? 

    I totally understand that thought process but I can say this, that person that is trying to encourage you, may have possibly been through a lot more intense “stuff” than you have so they might be speaking from experience.

    Most of the time we don’t really know what it means to NOT GIVE UP until we have been through a serious hurricane of a situation in our lives. Then & only then can you really truly grasp the meaning of these highlighted verses.

    I have heard people question the meaning behind these verses and ask, why does God want you to keep praying? Did God not hear me the first time? God definitely heard you, everything has to be in His timing. There is also a verse that says our thoughts are not His thoughts & our ways are not His ways (Isaiah 55:8). A lot of times we pray about a situation & do not see results we think God is either mad or is telling us NO. That is not the case at all. His timing is most definitely different than ours. That is where faith comes in. We have to keeping praying about that situation & have faith that God hears us & will work it out in His timing & according to His will. Keep in mind though that we must retain an open heart & mind & pray for HIS will to be done. If we are praying that we want Him to do it our way, we are tying his hands so he cannot work at all.

HEBREWS 11:1 NIV – now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and the assurance about what we do not see 

PSALMS 40:1 NLT - I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry

    We must not give up, back down or stay quiet. We must keep praying, keep pushing forward & remain in faith. We must develop almost a stubborn faith. One that refuses to back up regardless of how hard it gets. Because God will not forsake us & we will make it through.

PSALM 37:25 NIV – I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread

    So yes, it is ok sometimes to be stubborn! Regardless of what the world says or does around us, you will not go under, you will make it 

ISAIAH 40:31 KJV - But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.