FREE

 

This feeling

Took a while to get here

To dig out from under the mental wreckage

Destruction caused by Fear, Anxiety and Depression

Trying to crush my mind and spirit

Surrounding me

Day of so much darkness

Days of doubt

Days of confusion

 

I remember that day

That day of utter blackness and evil

Spiritually, I lay there curled up as an infant

Afraid to move

Afraid of the pain

That was already too much

 

So many days that are just gone

No memory of those days

No memory of my actions

Just a blur of fear & pain

 

But that day

In the midst of the shadows that surrounded me

In the midst of the dark cloud that hung overhead

The feeling of severe cold

The cold of abandonment

The chasing thoughts and questions

Mind racing with doubts

That day

You helped me to stand and walk out

 

I walked out of that dark cave that day

You met me in the middle of my pain

You lifted me up with your strong right arm

You held me

You loved me

You restored my hope

You showed me the door

The door to my freedom

 

Trembling, I approached it

Still feeling the evil around me

Filling my mind with doubts

Trying to convince me that I couldn’t

That I was a failure

That I should be ashamed

 

But in the middle of the enemy’s shouting

I heard your whisper

A whisper that was unmistakable

Reminding me that I was surrounded

Not by the enemy

But I was surrounded by you

I was surrounded by your love

Surrounded by your truth

Truth that says, you will never abandon me

That you are greater than the fear

Greater than the anxiety

Even greater than the depression

Reminding me who my enemy really was

Reminding me that he is a liar

Reminding me that you cover me with songs of deliverance

 

After being bound up for so long

Unable to stand on my own

Unable to walk out on my own

I felt your hand holding me

With trembling knees, I stood

Feeling the fresh wind of your spirit

I could breathe again

I took a shaky step forward

Then I realize, that was all I needed to do

Just one step forward

 

You didn’t require me to run

Didn’t ask for a list of requirements

All you needed from me was just one step

One step out of the shadows

One step out of the lies

One step toward your truth

 

In that one step, something changed

The fear that had controlled my mind

The anxiety that overwhelmed me

The depression that was paralyzing

The shivering cold of evil

It was gone

Replaced with your peace

A peace that passes all understanding

 

It was in that moment

As I took that trembling step

Through a door that had been so far out of reach

I could no longer hear the lies and the taunting

Only one voice that I heard at that moment

 

I heard you whisper so lovingly

As only a father will do

MY DAUGHTER, YOU ARE FREE!

 

 

 

MY FATHERS HANDS

 

My Father’s Hands,

They have held me, every step of the way

As a child, they taught me

At times they disciplined me

But they’ve ALWAYS loved me

 

My Father’s Hands,

They have wiped away my tears

They have cradled me when my heart was broken

Hands that have showed me a better way

Hands that calmed my fears

 

My Father’s Hands,

There is a difference in these hands

So much stronger

More loving & caring

So much more than my earthly father

 

My Father’s Hands,

I feel them around me

I feel them holding me

Times when I am unsure

Times when life is so hard

 

My Father’s Hands,

You remind me that on the days when I can’t feel you with me

You have never left me or forsaken me

You have reminded me that no one can love me more

No one else has hands like yours

 

My Father’s Hands,

They held on to me when the darkness surrounded me

Never let go even through my screams

Never stopped loving me even when I doubted

Even when I questioned you

 

My Father’s Hands,

Now I can walk in hope & confidence

I can hold my head high

Regardless of the evil around me

Even in the midst of the lies from my enemy

Lies telling me that I will never be enough

Just like a child who can no longer hold in the secret, I giggle

A secret that I will shout for all to hear

By My Father’s Hands the enemy is defeated

By My Father’s Hands I am more than a conqueror

 

 

 

 

 

 

AS A CHILD

 

I long for you to come to me as a child

I long for the innocence & honesty in you

The list & agenda is not as important

We are in a relationship and I wish to communicate with you

Come to me as your ABBA FATHER

A child has the mindset that there is nothing that their father cannot do

 

GALATIANS 4:6 – And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba Father!”

ROMANS 8:15 – For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba Father.”

FEAR

 

Silence

A deadly silence

A spiritual cancer

Slowly growing

Choking out life

Taking your breath

Stealing peace

 

Lies

Nothing but lies

Slowly feeding me lies

I start to believe them

I forget the truth

 

A thief

Stealing my joy

My sound mind

My heart

My soul

 

I am consumed

I can’t get passed it

Can’t get over it

Can’t forget

I am lost in it

The truth that I once held dear

Where did it go

Why has it left me

I feel alone

 

Feeling out of control now

Can’t fight it any longer

Can’t pretend that I am ok

Can’t fake it anymore

 

I cry out in desperation

I cry to you

Why did I wait so long

Until I am overwhelmed

 

You hear my cries

You see my tears

You are already there

You were the entire time

Just waiting

Waiting for me to call

 

You remind me of your truth

You remind me that you are so much more

That I am so much more in you

 

You remind me of something else

Something that I already knew

But for a moment, forgot

All that I needed to get out from under the weight

To walk away

To live free

Everything was found in you

 

A gift that you gave me from the beginning

All I had to do was receive it

A gift that it caused me to forget about

A gift so great and powerful

 

Your love

Your unconditional, limitless love

Casts out ALL fear

 

I now lay it all down

I submit to your river of grace

Washing over me

Washing all of the fear away

 

I know now

Through all of this

I had to experience it

I needed to sense it

To smell it

To hear it

 

Cause it will be back

Oh yes, it will

It is part of this crazy life

 

But now…

Now there is a difference

I have seen it

I have heard its lies

I know what it is

 

This time…

I am prepared

I have the armor

I have the truth

 

I will…

No longer believe the lies

No longer allow it to consume me

 

Because of HIM…

I am an overcomer

I am more than a conqueror

 

I know…

Who I am

And whose I am

Who holds me

And who surrounds me

THAT IS ALL THAT I NEED TO KNOW

I AM

 

Let me introduce myself to you

 

I am the Creator

I created all things

All life was and is created by me

I was there before the beginning of time

I am the beginning and the end

I am the everlasting Father

 

I created you

I saw a need for YOU to be

I saw how others would be blessed from your existence

I formed you in your mothers womb

I breathed life into you

I gave you your first heartbeat

I smiled the day you were born

To me you were perfect

 

I was there when you took your first step

Your first day of Kindergarten

That horrible fall on your bike, I was there

Driving your first car

When you wrecked your first car

Your first date

Your wedding day

The day your first child was born

I was there for it all

 

You know the times that you feel all alone

Then suddenly you get a text or call from friend

That was me, I saw your heart

 

The times when life got to be way more than you could handle

Then all of a sudden, things turned around

That was also me, I saw that need

 

That time mom was so sick & your heart was broken in fear

Then the next morning she pulled through

That was me, I knew you needed her for a bit longer

 

That day you were telling a coworker how lucky you were

You were almost in a car accident

That wasn’t luck, that was me

 

When your first child was born

Your looked in his big blue eyes for the first time

The love you felt at that very moment, that was me

 

When you had a thought of ending your life

You were so confused & distraught

It literally would have only taken one step

Then something caused you to walk away from the edge

That wasn’t just something, that was me

 

I have been with you from the beginning

I have been waiting for you

Waiting for you to realize your need for ME

To realize that without ME there is nothing

 

I am that still small voice

I am that breath of fresh air

I am that gorgeous sunset that you stopped to see for the first time

I am the bird that sits outside your window each morning to sing his perfect song

I am the rainbow that made you smile yesterday

I am the laughter of a small child that is so contagious

I am the tears of joy you cry when your son comes home

 

I am in everything AND I see everything

 

I see your tears

I see your times of anger

I see your days of depression

I see the bad choices

I also see the good ones

I saw your selfishness

I also saw your act of kindness

I see the times you doubt yourself

The times you feel you are not enough

I see the regrets

I see your heart

I SEE YOU

 

To me you are my absolute beautiful creation

There is no one like you

You my son & daughter, are not a mistake

I have loved you with an everlasting love

I have loved you with a love that is so complete

A love that is so vast & limitless

It is beyond comprehension

 

As a father desires to give good gifts to his children

So, I desire to give to you

There is nothing that I won’t do for you

I have sacrificed everything for you

My desire for you was so strong that I made the utmost sacrifice

I gave my only Son to DIE for you

Through His death, I have offered you so much

Unconditional love

Grace

Mercy

Forgiveness

 

All that you need is found in ME

No one else but ME

 

I am the one who makes your crooked paths straight

I am the one who heals your diseases

I am the one rights your wrongs

I am the one luminates your darkness

I am the one who brings life to your barrenness

 

I am the one who took a cross intended for death & destruction & finality & caused it to bring life and healing forever

I am the one who protects you from the enemy’s assignments & agendas for your life

I am the one who silences the voice of the enemy in your life

I am the one who will never leave you nor forsake you

 

I am the one true God

I have always been and always will be

I AM!!!

I REMEMBER YOU

 If you have read my blogs before then you know that I have shared a few pieces of poetry in the past. 

I have decided to start writing again. I thought I would share my first one with you today.

Hope it touches your heart.

I remember you

That feeling

That cold chill

That tension

 

Last time, a nightmare

You came in like a flood

Not welcomed

Not wanted

 

This time, not the same

You crept in

You stalked me

Waiting for another moment

Another opportunity

 

I will never forget

The pain

The anxiety

The fear

The sorrow

The tears

Man, all those tears

I was a newby last time

Uncharted territory for me

You knew that

You were counting on that

But in the end…

 

So, you think this time

Will it go your way?

Will I be a notch on your belt?

 

You knew that I heard you

I felt you coming

I felt you creaping

But here you are still

 

I see you’re still the same

Total darkness

Lies

Anguish

Fear

Loneliness

Nothing has changed about you

 

Did you notice?

I am NOT the same!

This time, I am wiser

I am stronger

 

This time, I know WHO I am

I know WHOSE I am

I recognize your lies

But, I have truth behind me

 

This time, I will not open that door

I will not allow you in

 

I know, you won’t leave

I know, you will still keep trying

I know, you won’t give up

Trying to bring me down

 

That’s fine

You can keep on

But this time

You only serve as a memory

As a reminder to me

Of where I have been

And where I am now

Reminding me of the one who kept me

The one who did not fail me

The one who never left me

THE ONE

 

Yeah, HE is the only one welcome here

Not you depression, NOT YOU!

I REFUSE!!!

 All to often, unpleasant circumstances come our way & we just accept it & call it a test or trial. In all honesty, it could be a couple of different things. 

It could be the result of bad decisions that we have made. It is a part of life, there are always consequences for mistakes. 

GALATIANS 6:7 ESV -  Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows that will he also reap.

Other times, it could be the enemy, Satan, attacking us. His tactics are not new, they are the same since the beginning of time. 

Regardless of the reason, we must get into the habit of seeking God in every single circumstance, good bad or ugly.  Sometimes, we just have no idea why something is happening to us. That requires God's wisdom, we are just not spiritually discerning enough to figure these things out. During a season of difficulty in your life, seek God with humility. Ask for forgiveness of anything you may have done. Ask for wisdom & discernment. This is not something that comes instantly, it only comes if we continue to seek God.

Discernment - the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

Philippians 1:9 ESV - And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment. 

Sometimes we will go through situations & never know the real reason why. This does not need to discourage us or cause us to be mad at God for "allowing this to happen". 

Matthew 5:45 ESV - so that you may be son of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good and sends rain on the just and the unjust. 

We do not need to blame God for every bad thing that comes down the pipe. 

One thing, I have learned, especially over the last two very difficult years, is that regardless of how bad it may be, I refuse to accept that this extremely difficult season is just a part of life, just another day, oh well. 

Jermiah 29:11 AMP - For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

God's desire is for us to be at peace. He does NOT desire disaster for us. My father's love for me is unfathomable, more than I can even imagine. This love & the knowledge of Jeremiah 29:11 increases my faith & gives me the strength that I need to keep praying, keep moving, keep reading his word, regardless of how bad it may get. I refuse to sit & wallow is self-pity & wonder "HOW AM I GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS." It is not up to me to figure this out. I will pray & keep on praying with earnestness & humility & standing on his word, knowing that it is true, and let My God, in his infinite wisdom figure this situation out for me.  

Psalm 34:15 ESV - the eyes of the Lord is toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry.

Yes, He hears every single prayer & sees every single tear & hears every time we cry out to Him for help. 

Isaiah 55:11 AMP - So will My word be which goes out of My mouth; It will not return to be void (useless, without result), without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. 

When we pray & read his word, we must stand on his promises & speak his word out loud. That is where faith is built up & the enemy is defeated. But if we choose to speak in a defeated and negative manner our faith is defeated & the enemy is built up. 

Proverbs 18:21 AMP - Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words. 

So my sister, make a choice today to no longer allow the enemy to win.  Whether you are in good times or bad, pray and speak God's word out loud, & let the enemy know his place, UNDER YOUR FEET!!

Luke 10:19 ESV - Behold, I have given you authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you